Rose Kent is a wonderful friend and therapist who lives in Glasgow, Scotland. During ‘lockdown’ in 2020 she wrote an ‘A – Z’  of advice for  couples, about how they might best maintain and repair their relationship during stressful times.  I have reproduced it below with her permission.

These ‘A B C’ notes on maintaining and repairing relationships during “lockdown” are based on personal and professional experience. They’re also relevant for when our relationships with partners are under any kind of strain.

Feeling irritable, can’t concentrate? Wondering why you can’t cope? Switching between blaming yourself and blaming your partner? You’re not the only one: this is really, really normal in close relationships during anxious times. And being ‘isolated together’ is a major additional stress.

You may just use the notes as occasional ‘tips and hints’ . Most of us have at least some relationship struggles, often hidden from view… there are NO perfect relationships!

Alternatively, start with A, B, C as if you were starting a new “Exercise Programme” (- with the eventual goal a more healthy relationship) and commit yourself to working on a different letter of the alphabet every 2 to 3 days, then check your progress by re-starting from A! [Read more…] about RELATIONSHIPS: Maintenance and Repair A-C by Rose Kent

The previous note focused on positive actions: in this note we will look at some psychological aspects of couple relationships that are somewhat challenging. If you are serious about ‘maintenance’ and ‘repair’, tackling D, E, and F will take quite a lot of effort: developing self-awareness, and practicing new behaviors.

D.  Defensiveness (please note this is NOT about physical attack or defense. That is beyond the scope of these notes.) Many of us tend to defend ourselves verbally when we BELIEVE we are being verbally attacked, or criticized, whether or not the intention of the person speaking to us is to “attack”. For example: “This isn’t the brand of coffee I normally buy”  right through to “You never listen to me!”.  We automatically respond  “It’s not my fault!”, “But that’s just not true!”  or similar, without being able to hear the content of what was actually said, and without being able to judge accurately the extent to which an attack was being made (including seeing the difference between mild criticism and angry criticism). Sometimes this develops into a pattern in a couple’s relationship, with both people feeling their own reactions are fully justified, and finding and dealing with the original issue seems to get lost. [Read more…] about RELATIONSHIPS: Maintenance and Repair D-F by Rose Kent

G.  Going on a date, at home: Writing these notes – during the first Covid “lockdown”, in Scotland (April to June 2020) – was partly prompted by my wanting to reassure friends that “in abnormal times, unfamiliar feelings are not abnormal!” I noticed too that too much intense emotion over a long period can result in apathy – ‘Why bother…?’

We may lose interest in seeking out fun or creative activities.

I’d like to recommend something to try to counteract that!

You may already do regular ‘date nights’, and associate it with escaping from domestic demands. But even if you have young kids or other caring responsibilities, a date at home is still possible – it just requires realistic planning – particularly with regard to the timing and the potential for interruption (- you’re aiming for privacy).

So here’s my recipe for DATE NIGHT @HOME: [Read more…] about RELATIONSHIPS: Maintenance and Repair G-I by Rose Kent

J and K: “Just be Kind!”  We are often told to “Just be Kind!”, and “Listen!” They’ve become cliches in our social media world, where we’re constantly given advice about personal change and self-improvement. These Notes are also in that world, but I want to offer some different viewpoints, relevant to our close relationships.

Always acting and speaking kindly can be so difficult when we’re together with someone 24/7 – whether that person is our intimate partner or not. For many people ‘just be kind!’  is a simple moral injunction from earliest childhood. But… [Read more…] about RELATIONSHIPS: Maintenance and Repair J-L by Rose Kent

I’m bending the alphabetical rules and writing about two topics beginning with M, as they seem really important and relevant right now. They reflect my personal life as part of a couple, and also my professional interests from when I was teaching. 

M.  Moods   Whilst unfamiliar and often unwanted feelings are not unusual in these difficult times, and being forced to stay home with your partner can be hugely challenging, there is also the opportunity for love and intimacy to grow, and many couples are discovering new strengths in their relationships. Today I’m bending the alphabetical rules and writing about two topics beginning with M , as they seem really important and relevant right now. They reflect my personal life as part of a couple, and also my professional interests from when I was teaching. [Read more…] about RELATIONSHIPS: Maintenance and Repair M-M by Rose Kent

Tackling today’s issues – Negotiation, Opinions, Power and Powerlessness – continues to be based on trying to acknowledge our own feelings and share them with our partners. I’m so impressed by the feedback from those who have been doing so – well done! – It is possible!

N.  Negotiation: All couples need to manage the power dynamics in their relationships in a reasonably balanced way, as much as possible. Often without much conscious thought, we can: we negotiate compromises, we co-operate, we share decisions, and we divide up tasks and roles. [Read more…] about RELATIONSHIPS: Maintenance and Repair N-P by Rose Kent

Q.  Questioning and Questionnaire: Mostly, couples assume they know each other well. Intimacy is based on this, and it offers security and predictability. But assumptions can become out-of-date as circumstances change and as we grow older; some of our views and values may in fact diverge from our partner’s. It can be a shock to discover this – even humiliating, eg “But I always thought you liked X…[as h/she unwraps expensive gift X]…” or “So for how many years have you resented coming with me to visit my cousin?” Finding out new things can also, of course, bring novelty into the relationship. [Read more…] about RELATIONSHIPS: Maintenance and Repair Q-S by Rose Kent

T.  Trust: For many couples trusting each other is never an issue. It is a bedrock of their relationship and needs no discussion or repair. For others, it may either lurk in the background as something occasionally difficult to deal with, or it may be a frequent or chronic problem.

A key aspect of trust is that it exists in ‘the space between’ two individuals. It can’t be demanded or given by just one partner, but is negotiated by means of the behaviour and emotion of both partners. It’s not rational. It involves how each person sees their partner (perceived trustworthiness, perceived forgiveness), their ability to feel trusting and trusted, and their behaviour, and will have a lot to do with childhood and experiences in previous relationships. [Read more…] about RELATIONSHIPS: Maintenance and Repair T-V by Rose Kent

W.  Worrying: How might couples better manage worrying about the pandemic and emerging from ‘lockdown’? It isn’t unusual for individuals to have differing views about what should and shouldn’t be done to avoid being infected and passing on infection. This can extend too into, for example, “Who and what can I trust? Should I just stay indoors where I feel safe? What if my friends disagree with me?” [Read more…] about RELATIONSHIPS: Maintenance and Repair W-Z by Rose Kent